kaZombie

I can get through the day pretty well for the most part, and I am having an easier time falling asleep now. That is mostly cause I push my body until I am so tired that I just want to collapse, and my body wins the fight of mind vs body. 

But when I wake up my heart feels so heavy. Through habit I check my phone to check what should be a good morning text, then it all sort of hits me. I am not going to get those anymore, and I can’t send them. I lay in bed for about half an hour just realizing how lonely I am. 

I feel like he doesn’t love me the way he use to anymore. Then there is me. I am still head over heels in love with him. It just doesn’t feel as though its ever going to go away. We are talking- how friends do, and we are getting along. Which is nice.

And it’s the little things. Even if he stays in my life as a friend- because he was my best friend for over a year- it won’t ever be the same. I won’t be able to lay my head on his lap and have him play with my hair, or start a tickle war. I can no longer throw on a sweater of his and feel comforted by his smell. We won’t be cooking together anymore, and i can’t poke fun at him by saying “But it’s okay, I still love you.”

In the morning all these come flooding at me, and I just feel lonely. There is nothing I can do though. 

I am kaZombie

I promised myself i would clean up my room before setting it up haha. So by the time it’s set up i will prob forget to add you D: so add my first haha. 

I miss singing so much

And bought myself a new ps3 today. Even though I should be saving my money. But hey, I have no social life anymore so I need something to do.

Proceeded to discretely stalk the boy I dated in grade 10 around best buy to see if he was actually him. I am 95% sure it was. I go there so much and have never seen him working there.

I am talking to Scott now. despite everyone telling me its a bad idea so far so good. As long as we pretty much avoid the- you broke my heart only a week ago- topic it’s okay. I would still rather him be in my life as a friend than not at all. I am still not sure how it’ll be when I see him to pick up my stuff. Not sure if I am quite ready for that or not :/ I love him and miss him and it’ll just be hard to not instinctually hug him and cry.